UnHappy Father’s Day — 10 Tips To Find Peace When Fatherhood Hurts

When Father’s Day Doesn’t Feel Like A Celebration

This upcoming weekend for Americans, and the month of June for millions of others in the European Union as well as Latin America and Africa, is a day of reflection and appreciation for our fathers. Fathers for many represent the strength, compass, provider and protector of the home. Father’s Day is marketed as a time to celebrate love, gratitude, and family, but for others this day opens up emotional wounds, ennui, or indifference – especially if your relationship with your father was nonexistent, difficult, or even toxic. So, what do you do when Father’s Day doesn’t feel like a celebration and feels more like Unhappy Father’s Day?

A wooden board defining the roles of father - Protector, Hero, Coach, Etc — Father’s Day – a time to celebrate love, gratitude, and family, but for others this day opens up emotional wounds – especially if your relationship with your father was nonexistent, difficult, or even toxic.

Happy Father’s Day to you and Happy Unhappy Father’s Day to you as well. Today we will create a small space for people to navigate the seas of complicated emotions that this day may bring.

Give Yourself Permission Not to Celebrate Father’s Day

Why does it matter to give yourself permission not to celebrate? It may feel awkward, embarrassing, and inauthentic to be around those in in a celebratory mood while inside you try to navigate through conflicting feelings. You may crave a relationship with your father and societal pressure may send the message to honor our father unconditionally. But if your “father experience” was shaped by neglect, manipulation, or abuse, a compulsory celebration can retraumatize you. How can you navigate a dedicated day that provokes pain? A mantra that I tell my weight-loss patients and that carries over across many disciplines is: “Strategy triumphs willpower…and if I could add, awkward moments, challenging and stressful situations.”

Tips For UnHappy Father’s Day

Create a “Vocal Permission Slip” – say to yourself out loud: “I give myself permission not to participate in Father’s Day in any way. My well-being trumps tradition.
Strategize what you will say in advance if someone says, “Happy Father’s Day” or “What are you doing for Father’s Day?”
- Response 1 – “Thank you sincerely for the well wishes. Enjoy your holiday.”
- Response 2 – “I’m planning some reflection time, and to slow down a little to appreciate life. And you what will you be doing?”
Take a social media fast on or around the holiday so that visual images of friends and family, or advertisements do not overwhelm your feed.

Redefine What Father’s Day Means To You

There are things we can control and there are things we cannot control. You cannot control your family story, or recreate the past, but what you can do is create your own narrative and write the script of the future. Reclaim the day and it will shift the focus and mixed and painful feelings into personal power.

Strategy To Define Unhappy Father’s Day

Honor a nurturing figure or compassionate friend: Write a card, send flowers, or plant a seed, or phone someone who has shown you love and care.
Show love to someone who could use love: Is there someone who you observe along the way of your day in need? Do you know someone who needs a kind word, a hot cup of tea, an empathetic ear? Give that intangible but valuable gift to them.
Self-Parent: Ask yourself: “What would a kind, nurturing loving parent do for me today?” Then make it happen.
Create a new tradition: Pamper yourself. Get outdoors. Clear some clutter. Take a course in something new. Cook your favorite meal or learn to cook a new dish. Explore your own town as a tourist.

Watch for Emotional Eating Triggers

The onset of UnHappy Father’s Day coupled with stress, can upend our routine and schedule for eating. A slip-up does not have to turn into a setback. Sometimes eating or feeling hungry is not about food. The question to ask is: “What is eating you?” People often eat when they are lonely, frustrated, sad, or angry thereby choosing food as a response to an emotional need. While food can be comforting, however do not turn into a “Food Therapist” and make food the only comfort. Instead of helping to cope with painful or difficult emotions, food is used as a panacea. When the going gets tough, they stuff. The one word response to any and all problems is: “Eat!”

a young lady — *Do not turn into a “Food Therapist and use food to medicate your emotions, stress, and challenges.* Photo by Darina Belonogova

Do not confuse immediate pleasure with long term happiness! The alcoholic who takes that first drink and the dangerously overweight person who consumes an entire bag of cookies both believe they are indulging in pleasures. Rather, they are destructive pleasures that will eventually cost far more than the pleasure was worth. Whenever you mistake immediate gratification for happiness, you are risking the length and quality of your life for a few seconds of pleasure.

Strategy For Stress on Unhappy Father’s Day

When stress looms, I have found a few simple techniques that dramatically reduce the likelihood of your turning to food to relieve the stress. I’ll share three below:

Write out what you will eat for that day in advance. Create a sample menu for what you will eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. Direct your psyche to think in terms of those foods only and to avoid all others.
Pause and self-check in. “Before eating, ask: “Am I really physically hungry or emotionally overwhelmed?”
Anticipate the stressful situation that you may face and use one of the stress busters I recommend to my clients. Use a dartboard. Take a walk. Call a 911 friend – a friend who you have on speed dial should a stress or emotional emergency arise.

Healing doesn’t accelerate on a straight highway. It’s layered, there are many floors, there are roundabouts, yield and stop signs, yellow, red, and green lights. Healing is deeply personal, but the more you tune in to yourself and feelings, the more you get to rewrite how this day, and how you will continue to grow. You may not have had the father you needed, but you can become the person you deserve to be, not just on Father’s Day, but for every day ahead of you.

Follow Dr. Gullo’s YouTube Channel for expert tips, proven strategies, and ongoing support. For personalized guidance designed around your unique goals, contact Dr. Gullo’s office at 212-734-7200 to schedule your private appointment. Your healthier, happier life begins today!